Uhma is gone

Seoul Sister,
Bantersnaps, unsplash.com

My Uhma, my mom passed away last night. My son and I were going to travel to see her one last time but she passed the night before our flight. I had originally planned on visiting her last Friday but had to cancel the flight because I had a cold and was worried that with all the corona virus panic, that I’d be banned from the flight. I didn’t get to say goodbye, or say how sorry I am for all the pain I caused her, how much I love her, how proud I am of her, how amazing she is, how much she inspired me to be a writer.

This morning I wasn’t able to think clearly, but with my son’s help, and several coin tosses, we decided to still go on the trip. It felt risky to me. I worried that my brother wouldn’t want to see me, that my sister would endlessly preach and that our father would also blame me for her suffering. But I made the right decision, (I thought the funeral would be late next week but it’ll be in a few days). If I had postponed the trip we might’ve missed the funeral.

My bosses warned me about travel advisory warnings and said I might get stranded or quarantined from returning to work, but I didn’t let that dissuade me. My son’s father who co-parents with me, also warned me about the virus but he respected my decision. I told him that I wouldn’t risk our son’s life, if I believed the virus would kill him, I’d never have brought him with me. I packed masks just in case someone nearby was furiously coughing, but we didn’t need to use them. I also packed sanitizer wipes which again weren’t used. We can’t live our lives in fear. Giving in to fear and panic can destroy our lives. People are being fired, businesses are failing, pension plans are being wiped out (again) because of pandemic panic.

RawKKim, unsplash.com

The airport wasn’t empty as I expected it to be; it was full of people, most of which weren’t wearing masks. The planes were pleasantly roomy and the flights were drama-free. I saw babies, elderly people and many pregnant women; no one seemed afraid of the corona virus. I received a text from my boss saying next week the library where I work will be closed to the public. My son’s school will close for three weeks also. I hope all of the paranoia will die down soon. If I get yet another junk email from my bank, credit cards, stores etc. about the corona virus, with useless information about the helpfulness of hand washing, I’ll scream. Don’t we all know that we should wash our hands by now?

Death is a part of life but who ever feels ready to face it or to let go of a loved one? The kind Uber driver who drove us from the airport to our hotel, told me about when his mother passed away, and how he wasn’t able to see her. It was sweet to connect with a stranger about mourning. I go from moments of sadness remembering things that my mother said and how she moved, smiled and laughed; then I fight tears back, knowing once I start it’ll be hard to stop crying. Yesterday my tears were primal, animalistic sounds came out of me, deep wounds poured out of me.

I made several more bracelets with different designs for each of our family members, (my son made bracelets too, he’s very creative), this image was taken before I finished the other ones. Maybe I’ll still mail them to my family when I return home.

I re-packed my suitcases, adding and taking things out. I had made matching bracelets out of precious stones for our whole family, but now mom won’t be able to wear hers, so I’ll wear it together with mine. Unfortunately I decided to leave them at home. I guess I didn’t want them to be rejected, they look like Korean Buddhist-inspired jewelry but my family is devoutly Christian. I didn’t want to offend them so I took them out of the suitcase this morning. I barely slept last night. In the morning I texted my brother to ask if I should cancel my flight and postpone it for the funeral. I got no response. That’s when I started flipping a quarter, heads=go, tails=postpone; heads kept repeating. “What should we do?” I asked my young son and he started flipping a coin too. He said, “I think we should go, at least that’s what the coin wants us to do!”

My son is so innocent. He made me laugh during our flight and he’s having a wonderful time at our fancy hotel. He brings me so much joy. He’s sad about Grandma, (he and I cried together yesterday when we heard the news), but he also wisely knows how to be present in the moment and still enjoy life while it’s here. I’m so thankful to have him with me especially during this experience; he’s the greatest blessing in my life. When my mom first saw him he was a baby, she said he had stars in his eyes. She knew how important he was in my life, she knew how much I needed to be a mother. She understood the deep joy that children bring, simply by existing.

57 Comments

  6. My deepest condolences Judy and your family, you wrote some amazing tributes to your Mother and I know she will be listening to your thoughts or conversations with her now. Remember your Mother is just a thought away. It does not make it any easier. I always believe if you are meant to do something God will pave the way and so he did starting with your journey. We cannot live in boxes and fears for the rest of our lives. Good you had a peaceful flight. Take care and many Blessings

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    1. Thank you very much ❤️. Your comment is bringing tears to my eyes; good, therapeutic tears. I hope she can know how much I admired her through my thoughts and my writing. I’ve always wanted her to know that. I agree with you about God paving the way and we can’t live in fear. What’s meant to be will be. Many blessings to you too 🌸🙏❤️

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      2. I believe that too. Your words are very healing to me. Thank you for reminding me that on this plane of existence, we can’t see the truth clearly but when we pass on, we can.

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    1. Thank you, Susan❤️, I appreciate your wonderful wishes. You’re right, we should celebrate the good memories of our mom🌸, there are so many❣️

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    1. Thank you, Dennis❤️, I’ll stay on the positive about the memories of my mom. I have so many stories of her. She was a giant in my mind, with Amazonian strength. Thank you for your kind support🌸

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  9. This is a wonderful post. The pictures really add to the beauty of the post. I’m glad you made the decision to go. Your son sounds like a delightful boy and at a wonderful age where he is old enough to have some understanding of the situation but young enough to still be able to share and care. Wishing you this Gaelic blessing.

    Deep peace of the running wave to you
    Deep peace of the flowing air to you
    Deep peace of the quiet earth to you
    Deep peace of the shining stars to you
    Deep peace of the gentle night to you
    Moon and stars pour their healing light on you
    Deep peace of Christ the light of the world to you
    Deep peace of Christ to you

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    1. Thank you for your wonderful comment❤️. You’ve described my son well, he’s both sensitive and hilarious, which helps me so much to have balance. I love the Gaelic blessing very much, thank you for sharing it with me🌸🙏🥰

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    1. Thank you, Jeff❤️. I agree, he’s helping me through this experience so much. We still have our masks and antibacterial wipes, just in case. Thank you for your kind support🌸.

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  12. Hi, Judy. May your mom be at peace in spirit and soul and I hope you find some measure of comfort and peace in your memories of your Uhma. I’m glad you have your son with you to share in his innocence and living in the moment. Take good care. 🙏🏽💖

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    1. Thank you, Sylvester❤️ as always, I appreciate your kind thoughts and your compassionate way of being. I’m so lucky to have my son with me, he’s making me laugh doing silly things and singing funny, made up songs, his innocent love of travel and fun keeps my mind in a positive place.

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  22. May you be surrounded by peace and protection as you mourn the passing of your mother as it should be. Honoring and mourning the loss of your mother is a human right. You have all the time in the world to heal after this, even if there are delays involved. I hope you keep in touch and you are in my prayers.

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    1. Thank you very much❤️, I think I’m still in shock. I’ve never attended a funeral before. I’m actually fortunate to be forced to work at home because of the covid-19 shut down in California. I am in a strange reality blur. I appreciate your support and prayers.

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  24. Such a strong, powerful, moving post. Filled with much positivity even amid such sadness. Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry for your loss! Wish there were better words to say in these times.

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    1. Thank you, Benjamin❤️ I’m going through ups and downs, positivity and negativity so I’m glad I was at least positive in that post! I appreciate your kindness and support 🙏🌸🙂

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