Epic Prose Poem and Work update: I dodged a bullet

On Friday I found out via email that the new position I was anxiously anticipating will never start. They changed their minds and are hiring someone else.

I’ve been waiting since June, was told that at the end of July I’d be working as an executive assistant working directly under the Director. I knew it was a shady deal from the start. I was given an ultimatum in March before all of the pandemic drama began. I had to choose to continue doing the FT work that I was responsible for in addition to adding another FT position, with no promotion or pay raise, just double the work. I initially declined the offer, they even made me decide by the date of my mother’s funeral! I think my mother’s death made me want drastic change, the current position I had was insanely stressful. I was consistently unsupported and unfairly berated by certain control freak managers. It was a shit job to begin with, so why hold on to it?

Anyway after a few months of shelter in place, the reality of the unfairness of the situation finally hit me. I emailed the director and expressed my viewpoint and she apologized. She gave me the option to have one more week to decide, she said she wanted to “make the situation right with me”. Within a few days I emailed her, accepting the position with gratitude for the extra time. She responded with excitement and set the end of July as the tentative start date. Then a few months later she casually withdrew her offer.

I have all of this communication from her in writing but I’m tired of fighting for a position where I’m not wanted or appreciated. All of my work evaluations have been positive, I deserved better treatment. This is not how a government institution should be run. I have no respect for her lack of professionalism. Her excuse for the change of mind blamed covid, but there wasn’t a direct correlation to COVID at all. In actuality she should’ve hired an executive assistant in the first place, (to replace the one that retired), instead of forcing me to double up on my already overburdened duties. She discontinued my previous assignment, (said “it doesn’t exist anymore” when she was forcing my decision), so now I have nowhere to return to once everything reopens, if it ever will. I’m currently working in a temporary assignment, I haven’t been fired or laid off but she seems to be anticipating a looming threat of job insecurity for everyone, (but of course it doesn’t include the upper managerial staff, her obnoxiously high-salaried job is safe).

If you think you’ll get fair treatment while working for the government vs a corporation; the sad truth is you won’t. My fellow coworkers have worked for decades as “temporary workers” with no benefits or job security. I’ve dedicated decades of my life serving the public in libraries because I initially believed in the work, (free access to information and resources) but I have books-worth of stories to tell about the failures and biases within their broken system; but it’s not worth getting fired over, I guess I’ll save those true stories to write about during my retirement. The executive assistant position’s salary was about 33% more income than my current position, the bottom line is they wanted to use me, I called them on it, so they retracted the offer.

My epic prose poem is dedicated to everyone who works under unfair conditions, it’s titled, “I Dodged a Bullet”:

I dodged a bullet today./Although initially it didn’t seem that way./ False gods smiled on me/with an upside down frown./Nearly all of them that pretend lordship/makes over $100,000 more/than we the slaving poor/The higher up you go/the less actual work you do/It’s fucking absurd/this corrupt world/of haves and have nots.

I dodged a grave bullet./I would’ve been their scapegoat clown/ Carrying bulky metal coffee pots/and trays of breakfast sandwiches/ serving lunch snacks like an aged lunch lady hostess/ with my salt and pepper hair/coifed in a ponytail/ or coiled in an old maid librarian bun/Like a midlife-crisis geisha/ working past her prime/While they conversed about important things/ like hiring and firing.

If they had muscled through/with their rotten apple ruse/ their false prize of an unpaid promotion/with no actual benefit just all the extra work./Their intentions were to use me for cheap/wring out my uncomplaining/shy Asian/labor until I broke/ from the abuse of overworked and underpaid/frustration and exhaustion/but now I’m off the ropes./Bruised swollen/sucker-punched and mind-opened./Delirious I even hit my head on the cabinet/by accident indented it after I heard the unwelcome news/that I’m instantly replaceable, disposable, refuse./But it’ll all heal as my mind clears/of old validation-seeking fears./I’ll rebound stronger.

I’d rather have the truth revealed/Now before deep real harm was won by them./Office Cliques are a band of snarky bullies./They schemed and stole back/what they’d falsely promised./ A forced indentured role they called an offer/which was pushed onto me like a ledge./Their ultimatum failed when I first declined/I innocently insulted them with my refusal/I offended their shitty plan/ I guess I confess I’m a terrible liar/because I can’t stand inauthenticity/ it’s a huge red flag to me./Pretentiousness is waste of time/ costume prank fire alarm./We’re all insecure and strange/ but it’s how you handle it/that shows your depth and worth./ Class means nothing to me/it’s born of ego status-seeking division./ I respect honor as a measuring standard.

Do you treat “subordinates” with dignity?/Or do you lord over them/ control and micromanage your “underlings”/with abuse and subversion/to suit your prime time importance/ then you’re an ass./You don’t understand the concept/that leadership is service./Leadership is grace/Leadership is sacrificing your needs first/not pushing subordinates under a bus/I didn’t sign up for their beauty contest/and I ignored the obedience training./I had my own thoughts and kept my own beliefs/ I retained my boundaries and opinions,/and that’s why they targeted me./I didn’t follow their pandering culture/I didn’t kiss their gaudy signet prom queen rings/Didn’t laugh hard enough at their jokes./I saw through their slow-motion hoax/of PC smoke and mirrors.

So with Beehive wasps they stung me/in Liberal style they apologized while stabbing./ Withdrawing their dead end promises made/They gave my “Executive position” away to another slave/ while I: waded waited weighted/for that prison job to start./ I even bought new attire/conformity clothes an office uniform of submission/to their white collar concentration camp prison./ “We’re filling the position with someone else”/was her emailed notification./How unprofessional/how insincere and cowardly./ This proves it finally./They’re ineptness and untrustworthiness./ Bad leaders crave an entourage of nodding heads./A echo chamber court of pretentious/yes men revolving around them center staged as the blinding sun./Silly bowing and curtsying ego rubs/for them in the court of highly useless opinion/their dominion is a tunnel vision.

We’re all equal underneath the costume party/ Naked we’re all vulnerable underneath/like vain King Lear who was humbled by his own ego blindness./I’m down but not defeated./Realizing I actually won./Tossed out like trash and I’m the victorious one/ Because I don’t have to play their approval game/ Their approval means nothing trivial surface falsity/permanent mask atrocitiy/the forced smile and faked charisma

Not belonging to their upper crust cult is a blessing./ Their Managerial ruse/is a poor man’s prison/ Fuck all of you deluded dudes/you: phonies posers status seeking liars./ You’re not rid of me I’m rid of you/like vampiric parasitic fleas jumping off of me/my energy is freed of your siphoning suction.

My peace of mind is beyond your artificial/I won’t join your ass-kissing masturbation circle/My life has a greater purpose/to seek and speak the truth as an artist./I’m unharmed and unalarmed/by your betrayal bomb./I’m free of your mental toxicity./Your carrot waving scam is exposed/it makes you look weak and ridiculous.

So I forgive you for your crime./You wasted my time./But the end result is that you’ve lost me./None of my pure gold for you./None of my precious loyalty/You’re on your own./My trust will not return./You’ve lost a true supporter/a powerhouse hard worker/with steadfast endurance/for the causes and leaders that I believe in.

I just dodged a poisoned bullet./My name was wiped clean off the turret/their cheating lies have failed./I’m immune to their power tripping idiocy./The more wrong they do,/reflects glaringly back to them./Their shame is a mirror/Instant karma has it’s own self-propelled perfection./It remembers a direct pathway/back to it’s own destruction.

18 Comments

  1. I am so very sorry my friend. I just saw this before going to bed. Sounds like you got a seriously wronged situation going. I think often people say whatever they want in business to get what they want. I am glad you stood up for yourself. God bless you my friend. I know you are hurt by the lying and promises made but not kept. Please know how sorry I am my friend. Hugs and love ❤️ coming to you tonight. Love ya Joni

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hugs to you my sweet friend. I will pray for you. I am proud of you for standing up. 🤗💕❤️💖 I don’t know why people can’t just be kind and fair in the work place. Love to you. Joni ❤️💕

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Most of us, if we are completely honest have been through something pretty horrible. I did right after my divorce from my first husband and much of it was related to a job situation, which was also with the government. So I know what that can be like my friend. Hold your head up and stand tall. You have all the high ground here. I too believe in karma like your other friend mentioned. Of course I truly believe it is God taking care of his people. Those who are just mean, abusive, racist or jealous, end up paying the price in the long run. Please don’t let it hurt your self esteem like I did. That was 24 years ago for me and it took its toll. I ended up with the love of my life, a move to Seattle and an amazingly wonderful set of positions I thrived in and loved. So please take care of yourself. I am praying for good times again. Love you my friend. You are not alone. 💕❤️🌺🤗😘Joni

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story.💖it is full of hope, true love is redemption. You deserve it and had the courage to earn it. My theme is about healthy self esteem, it’s a struggle to unlearn old trainings. Writing gives me the outlet to focus the thoughts, emotions and energy. I feel depressed but not defeated. You’re are wonderful, Joni 💖🤗🌷🌸🙏🌹❣️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You’ve definitely been wronged by your bosses, Judy.

    I’m so sorry.

    I guess 2020 (which used to be called perfect vision when one saw the optometrist) has let you see them for the lying underhanded despicable bunch of thugs and scoundrels that they are.

    Liked by 1 person

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