Spencer I want to see your high, goofy, holy face laugh when I find lint in your belly button like a dryer. “La Chaim” toast from Buck Rogers with a test tube blue drink I envision you still with your purple velour Burning Man glam homemade Star Trek uniform with an iron-on Enterprise patch you even sewed in the wavy gaudy glittering wrist border. You were my same opposite You were my perfect nemesis “There can be only one” Highlander you were mine.
I want to forgive and be forgiven by you in telepathic grace ultimate muse and trauma artist You were my end in this lifetime. We were irresistibly drawn and now we’ll be eternally young in each other’s memory we’re married but never in this reality. I know you loved me and I loved you too but it wasn’t enough the violence between us was stronger.
So much of life is wasted on the living what they say is true— we selfishly deeply sleep an endless dream of expectations. I miss you forever wonder twin friend Byaba, Byaba, Byaba! I want to sing with you again Sasquatch Chewbacca Bigfoot power of laughter. Life would’ve been so much easier if I never met you but it wouldn’t have been better I wouldn’t trade the experience ever “It’s better to have loved and lost...” Losing you was losing a miracle.
When I sent you away—Spencer I wanted to die and I almost tried in my mind I plotted goodbye letters but I didn’t really want it to end and never at your hands Spencer you worried too that it would happen murder by accident excessive passion is a possession and we were channeling Titans.
You broke your ex-ex-ex-girlfriend’s jaw. But I still dated you knowing the story You were in therapy and I thought Love was the cure. But our Love was blind and had a death wish. I wanted to save you wanted to save me. You were so much like my playboy father same rage, same hurt, same misunderstood goodness gone berserk.
I failed—-couldn’t save myself or you Leaving felt like a murder suicide but I survived the codependency I don’t know if you did I don’t know where you are or if you’re alive. Sometimes I feel married to sorrow I romanticize it so often and nothing else has been with me so faithfully for so long.
Namaste Spencer the anonymous phrase you gave me on a bumper sticker—- “You are everything, always everywhere” lives in me like a halo.