My mom once said that I was like paper I went where I pleased and couldn’t be held down I was like air she said. My mother’s constant gift was knowing that I was loved despite the disappointment of my choices “I trust you,” she said.
I think of my mom everyday more than when she was on Earth. She lives inside my consciousness ringing in my ears singing to my tummy “Judy’s stomach is smiling” no tears are falling She’s spinning me in a circle of love.
I wanted her all to myself for just a few years couldn’t we be an island? No father no siblings just mama and me sitting on the grass talking with turtles and growing sweet corn feeding the ducks by the lake. Can I meet you there when I sleep?
When I was a baby from one until three she left me crying on the tarmac my little baby heart beating and thumping I was inconsolable until the shock wore off pouring baby tears. I don’t remember how long it took for me to move on without her.
Do babies understand funerals? She was my disappearing sunlight She was my peek-a-boo moon She was my goddess-sized Angel compared to my infant body she was a statuesque monument.
She was life and sustenance She created laughter named the shape of things in my world. Everything I discovered was from her. I was her chubby cheeked puppy who she left howling crazy and so was she gliding on an airplane to the Land of the Free.
She said she cried until our reunion when I was three almost four the years of separation made us strangers. We were locked into fate that summer and again in 93 that’s when I left her.
How can I explain how much I miss her How can I explain why I left How can I claim I love her When I caused her the most distress? My will was in natural opposition to hers, that was our obstacle.
She tried to carve me into place She did this lovingly but all I saw was criticism. Make as much peace with those you love while they’re listening. Look into their eyes into infinity Save that moment forever nothing else matters more than love.